. Your Hostess ........................................... |
. Q&A; |
| Once upon a time I was really into cycling, but riding a bike everywhere pretty much meant I had to be feeling strong all the time (especially in San Francisco where it's straight up or straight down). Some days I felt like crap but still wanted to be on two wheels. The solution: A motorcycle. |
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Q. What other bikes have you owned? A. My first bike was an 86 Yamaha Radian. I taught myself how to ride it by putt-putting my way up and down the residential streets. When I became a competent rider, I stepped up to the 91 BMW K75S for the commute I was making between Ventura and Burbank. After I sold that (I thought I would try retiring from the dangers of motorcycling), I tolerated six months of being "dry" before I broke down and bought the 95 Ducati 900SS. Q. Are you married? A. Yes. I married my Ducati mechanic. I advise all of you — men and women — to marry your Ducati mechanic. You won't regret the convenience of this arrangement. Q. I want my girlfriend/wife to ride. What do you recommend? A. Unless they're begging you to teach them, don't encourage them. Don't we all have horror stories about bikers who have piled thanks to rider error, inattentive drivers, or road hazards? If your loved ones are content in cars, leave them there. At the least, you'll save yourself the pain of trying to romance a woman with helmet hair. It's tragic what matted down hair will do to a man's libido. Q. My girlfriend/wife really wants to ride. What do you recommend? A. Have her start with a motorcycle instruction course that teaches the basics of riding. I took a riding course years after I learned how to ride and I was surprised at the things I wasn't doing right. If she's at all nervous about learning, I highly recommend a small enduro as a first bike since they're designed to tolerate dropping. Q. I'm just learning how to ride. Any words of wisdom? A. Don't get sucked up into someone else's pace. If you don't ride your own pace and stay within your abilities, you will eventually eat a guardrail. And ride as much as you can. The more time you put into it, the better you'll get. Q. I'm not improving. What should I do? A. Go to a track day. My skill level sky-rocketed after I spent time on the track. I had no idea what a bike could do until I pushed it (a little) under controlled conditions. Once I understood my bike would not fail me when I had it leaned over, it was the beginning of a new hooligan era. Q. Doesn't being short make riding hard? A. At 5'7" I'd be deemed a short man. This makes reaching the ground on some bikes a little uncomfortable. And at 120 lbs I don't lower the bike much at all when I sit on it. To make the Ducati easier for me to ride (I like to be flat-footed so I can easily back up the bike), I took out about two inches of foam from the seat and then had it reupholstered. If you have problems touching the ground, try this foam removal trick. Q. Would you recommend a Ducati to a new rider? A. I would've been unhappy if the 95 900SS was my first bike. To meet California EPA standards, the bike had a real lean jetting, which made it almost unrideable. It took a lot of talking to other Ducati owners before I figured out what I wanted my mechanic (and future husband) to do to it. The fuel-injected Monster, on the other hand, is a great bike for a first-time rider. Well, it's great if you don't mind dropping a bike that cost ten grand while you ascend the learning curve. If I were on a budget and learning how to ride, I'd get an SV650. Q. How can you endorse a Suzuki if you really work for Ducati? A. I'm a contractor, so I'm not getting health insurance from the big D in Italy. Until a company gives me health insurance coverage, I am not corruptible. Now if they gave me health insurance, I'd be trying to convince all newbies they needed a 998R Testastretta. Q. What should I do if I get pulled over by the police? A. If you're a woman, immediately pull off your helmet, start crying and talk about your recently deceased cat. This usually makes the cop get right back in his car. If you're a guy, you're screwed; just don't make it worse with donut jokes. Q. If Buddha and Bruce Lee got in a fight, who would win? A. Depends on what they're riding. My guess is that Buddha would be an old school Harley guy, and as such would probably pack a piece. This would make his "fists of iron" a little meaner than Lee's. Q. If a monkey drag raced a dolphin on a street bike, who would win? A. Without a doubt the dolphin. The monkey would sit there and fume that it didn't have an opposable thumb while the dolphin just spanked the throttle with its fin. Dolphins don't give a shit about thumbs...they just want to have fun and stay out of tuna nets. Q. I'm looking for a cult to join. Can you recommend one? A. Funny you should ask. I have a cult called Head of Monkey. Like The Church of the Sacred Bleeding Hearted Jesus referenced to in the Rolling Stones song "Faraway Eyes," all you have to do is send me $10 and all your dreams will come true. If in the very remote chance that they don't come true, something else will come true in its place that you didn't specifically ask for. |
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