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I'd Rather Talk to My Toaster Would you like to have a conversation with an adult who has a limited vocabulary? Then why would you want to talk to a kid? That's what I don't get. Kids are no fun to be around. At best, you'll have a limited conversation. At worst, you'll be in the company of a shrieking brat.  Now imagine being stuck with this mediocre conversationalist for 18 years (okay, so skills improve somewhat with time). Hey, if you're really one of the damned, that shrieking brat who turns into a sullen teen who hates you. Yes, I'd rather talk to my toaster. At least I can stop the conversation when I tire of it. And if the toaster cops an attitude, I can hurl it out the window -- try that with a pimply teen who just stole a .45 caliber from his meth-head buddy's dad.My Toaster's Smarter than Your Toaster Parents tell me that their kids have an insight that's special to the unspoiled eyes of children. In one recent conversation, a dad said his kid wanted to know what "odd" meant. (Of course this kid is super smart for his age. At age three he can already read, deal with abstract thought, tie a Windsor knot, write his name in Cyrillic...) Me: "Odd means unusual." Him: "Well, what does unusual mean?" Me: "It means weird." Him: "Well, what does weird mean?" Me: "It means nobody really cares." He gave me a sly smile like it was such a profound chicken-and-egg conundrum. Ugh. I felt like I was in the presence of a person who badly needed to expand his horizons with a Vegas bender involving alcohol and hookers. The Real Reason My Toaster and I Are Here Now that I've established the fact that I don't want kids because they're no fun to talk (and because they'll probably "accidentally" back over me with the car when I'm 70 so I won't squander their inheritance), here's why I decided to share my thoughts:  Problem 1. All my friends have children. Knowing that it's not socially acceptable for me to declare an extreme disinterest in kids, I've been roaming the Net in search of people who share my point of view. Which leads me to...Problem 2. I found a place where people share my point of view. That's great, but the problem is I don't think that I'm in tune with most of them. Here's a short list of some differences:
 If you also feel a bit on the fringe, maybe it's time to start club so we "marginalized" belong somewhere. Club Childfree Paperclip Collectors? I'm sure there's no existing club in which the members are childfree and spend all their discretionary income on paperclips. Club Childfree Paint Huffers? Club Childfree Compulsive Toilet Scrubbers? Well, come to think of it, maybe a new club isn't all that great of an idea. The only club we really need is the "Club of One" in which the vow is to not keep filling up this planet with resource-consuming entities. As for the argument about where will future doctors, engineers, etc., come from? Okay, maybe a few of you reasonably bright and well-adjusted people can make some (hopefully) useful progeny. But for the rest of those making really low quality stuff just because they want a human toy, feel free to knock it off. Make your own life good; don't make up for it by trying to live it through a kid. .......................................
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