. I Signed A Helmet ................. |
. And I'm Still Nobody |
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| What's unusual about this picture? Is it funny because... A. I'm using someone's polished 'n' pimped MH900e for a footrest. B. I'm wearing braids and trying to pass myself off as a Native American when everyone knows damn well that I'm a Japanese spy working for Honda. C. I've been forced out of the press area at Laguna for airing because a light coating of mildew was forming over me in the overheated circus tent. D. I'm signing a helmet. The correct answer is All Of The Above and probably a lot more that we don't fully know yet...like we'll probably see the guy in the background on the cell phone next week on America's Most Wanted. Or the Multistrada behind me will probably be mine in five years after the owner has ragged it out on a trip down to Central America to bring cocaine back in the hollowed out seat.  In
this article, I'm going to focus specifically on the helmet I'm signing. A gent
named John Clelland (www.ducatiowners.com) asked me to sign his helmet at
Laguna. I will admit to having been dumbfounded at the request as the only thing I have
ever signed are
checks for the stream of bills that mark my mostly vacant life as a consumer and legal documents that
tell me, in effect, "you're stuck now." (Ok, I did sign a tshirt once for a kid who was asking
every racer to sign it at Willow Springs, but that was a true exercise in lack
of discrimination).  As if the helmet signing wasn't enough of an odd event for me, I found myself
penning my name in the company of Mick Doohan, Doug Polen, Neil Hodgson, Ruben
Xaus, and others. It just doesn't seem peer-appropriate to have my name alongside theirs.
Something is being moderately defiled, detracted in value, and I'm pretty sure
it's not the ten letters of Z-i-n-a K-e-l-l-e-y. To John, when you wake up from
this bad dream, when the metaphorical alcohol has warn off and you find your
metaphorical pants around your metaphorical ankles, may you find some solvent
that will remove my name without ruining the helmet's finish. Until then, I do
hope you enjoy the crisp and legible handwriting, as well as the kissy lips that
I doubt any other rider will ever take the time out to draw for you. I want to
be good for something, after all.
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Go to Zina's home page. |