. The Fans Write In.                              

 Guestbooks
 

The key benefit of being a non-fiction writer is that I don't have to do any heavy lifting. All I have to do is let life happen and document it. While fiction writers rack their brains for a clever plot and intriguing characters, I just sit with one ass cheek on the mouse and one ass cheek on the keyboard and wait for people to upload their cerebral nuggets right into the World Wide Web. 

These are guestbook entries for the Ducati factory riders. Almost all are for Troy because his fans are just the funniest bunch. Most of Loris's entries are in Italian; Foggy's, Ben's, and Neil's were pretty boring; and Ruben's were half obsessive females, 25% general support and 25% "please kick Neil's ass."
 
Exactly what Neil wanted to hear when he turned 30.
"Ahaha, Another year closer to death, another second off your reaction time, one full angle off your lean, you better start braking earlier, and exiting later, too bad, you�re over the hill, 'Dont trust anybody over 30', time to get a long surfboard, a beemer, and a 4 door minivan, along with loafer shoes, black socks, polyester pants, and thick sided black sunglasses. Face it, the hair is going, the nads are shrinking, and you can do nothing to stop it. Not to mention that you can almost get the senior discounts at the local market." 		The US military will advise you: Don't ask, don't tell.
"Hiya Neil, Hope all is well. Duck says hello and wonders when you are going to come public about your relationship with him!"		 At least Neil doesn't look like Nancy Spungen.
 "Has anybody else told you that you look like Johnny Rotten in the photo of you dated 19.11.03, not a good image!"
Most doctors recommend plain water, but if you insist.
"Please, Please, Please wipe the track with Val Rossi! That cat needs a Ducati enema!"		 Stalkers are creepy but toothless stalkers are just plain fun.
"It's me again. I've just had an operation to remove 2 teeth so I feel a bit drunk. Leave Sugo behind you and keep in that slipstream at Monza! All the best."		 You can touch the wife, but not the dog.
"Loris, never thought i would forgive you for knocking tetsuya off......after catalunya i could forgive you for knocking me missus off!!!!!!"		 The gun's also always cocked, you know.
 "Congrats on the bambino. Champs don't fire blanks do they? Its a pleasure and a privilege to watch you race, mate."
Why no, we couldn't tell you were an American.
"DUDE! I was out looking for my future ex-wife and I had on a TB/Suomy t-shirt and the ladies loved it!!! Thanks for the help. Have a great summer and remember when the going gets weird the weird turn pro.... Rock on!"		 She's also curious if you like pretty lace underwear.
"Just a little question: do you use mascara? My boyfriend tell me yes!! You are absolutely cool. See you next year in MotoGP always on Ducati (sempre la migliore)!! Bye bye"

It's the comfortable toilet seat that Spaniards covet. 
"Ruben - come to the USA next year and bring your factory 999 with you. We would love to see you here in the AMA sliding your bike all over the place. Think about it, Dude - All the mexican food you can eat and clean American toilets with nice comfortable seats! Comfort is king here in the USA!"

 Ziggers go on to become pro racers, Zaggers don't.
 "Hi mate, long time ago we had a crash together on our way to your grandparents place at the gully. you zigged I zagged the bikes spat...ahh the good times. Congrats on your success. seeya dude"
The verbal equivalent of a Jackson Pollock painting.
"in the 2001 you wins at imola the sbk world championship i'm his in imola this day ad to this day i'm is a you big fun i'm remember you 'number' to rivazza in g1 because i'm is in here you don't remember or you don't look me i'm his the boy with videocamera in you bike, you don't remember but you send to me you water and this is in my home with a piace of your bike.... i hope to divented with you i'm face the meccanic and i hope to buy a ducati and start to a round in imola with wildcard i think to finished in best position!! Hi big troy destroyed Rossi"		 Troy, we're pretty sure he won't fit in so don't do it.
"You bloody half I-talian LEGEND you. The hole freakin town is excited about this big one. Put that big fat Duc on the top step in bloody Italy and you'll become an instant hero the world over. Do it for Tuckertown Troy. Maybe one day you can take me to Milan or whateva they call the joint you know, that city with all the fashion and c-rap. I'd fit right in I think. A 'win' Troy, and nothing less or else you're one big bi-atch. Got a lot of bread riding on a Bayliss victory tonight so COME ON! Luv ya work mate. I'll have a cold XXXX for ya. Geez this internet thingy is bloody amazing. P1SS OFF!"
In fairness, Foggy never tried modeling after he retired.
"Good luck for next season Troy, I hope to see you and Loris kicking as much Honda butt as possible. PS. My girlfriend says you're too pretty to be a bike racer (she thinks Foggy looks about as right as he has a face like a mule)."		 The Foggy lovefest doesn't end there.
"Well done Troy, fantastic ride on Sunday. Pity Foggy isnt still riding, you could have kicked the twats ass. Glad you kept those 'couple o fannies' Haga and Edwards at bay."		 Foggy would like to know what your phone number is and if your husband has guns.
"I want to feel the power between my legs Carl."		 Finally, Foggy thanks you for believing in him and Eminem.
"foggy, you are the best rider i have ever known and i was gutted when you decided to retire. i have watched nearly every single race you have been in. my room is covered in posters of you and eminem."
If it's his birthday, doesn't he get to make the requests?
"Late happy B/Day Troy can you ask the boss to put the races on a bit earlier I am having trouble staying awake!!!"		 And why not just sing the birthday song that everyone else does?
"Troy Corser's gay, happy birthday, please don't lay, your bike in the hay, cause as they say, you can't win that way!"

Some fans really like to set the record straight up front.
"English born and bred. Don't have a criminal record so I live in Northern California. Hope you continue to enjoy your racing in 2003. Cheers!"

 Define "reasonable age."
"i have always liked u. p.s. any girls want to e-mail me dont hesitate at a reasonable age."
Is he a cat anatomy... "This Okker reckon's your the Cat's ass and no 1 choice to be representing the land down under." ...or a dog anatomy...?
 "Troy you are the dogs bollocks! What a race, edge of the seat stuff."		 ...or straight up a donkey?
"I remember you were mad about bikes when we were at Chatham High many moons ago, Taree Boy does good!! PS Do they still call you donkey :)"		 If you're boring, you're no friend of mine. 
"Well Done Rubens!!! It was realy good to see you beat Niel. I'm British so I should be supporting Niel more than you really but to tell you the truth; although he's good, he's a bit of a boring fart!!"
Why there are so many workplace shootings.
"Its been a long time since i posted on the site, they took our internet away from us at work - NOT GOOD, i used to be able to visit your site everyday before work now when i get the chance is the best i can do, i'm gonna have to make a plan so i can visit more often!!"		 We'd love a little more information on the unfortunate wife.
"Just finished watchin the race at silverstone!!! Mate you are fuckin nutter but i love ya more than the wife! (shhh) I cant stand Edwards and was laughing my tits off when he fell off on the formation lap!!! What a tit!!! Anyway love ya mate and look forward to watchin ya up close soon!!!"
 

These are all real. I didn't make a single one up. (For the easily confused, my intro text is bolded, while the guestbook entry is below it in quotes.)
................................................

Go to Zina's home page.