Mom: You should have a nicer chair for visitors. Your chair no good.
Me: What visitors?
Mom: You know, your friends. People who come over.
Me: I don't have people over.
Mom: What about your friend Helen?
Me: Helen doesn't judge me by my furniture.


Mom: Why can't you be more like a lady?
Me: Why should I be?
Mom: Because if you were, you would have kids and a nice family by now.
Me: Last time I checked, there were really enough people on the planet.
Mom: You have to have kids. Someone have to take care of you when you get old. 
Me: How about I just go to an old folk's home when I get old? I don't mind Jell-o.


Mom: Did you make those curtains?
Me: Yes, why?
Mom: They don't look so professional.


Mom: Why you don't get a real job?
Me: I have a job.
Mom: You cannot stay at home alone.
Me: Yes I can.
Mom: No, you have to go out. Be with people.
Me: Um, I'm not you. I don't have a problem being alone.
Mom: No, you need people or you go crazy.
Me: You social people crack me up.


Mom: When your dogs are gone, you not getting any more, are you?
Me: Yes I am.
Mom: Oh, they so dirty. Hair everywhere.
Me: I like them. They make me happy.
Mom: Hair everywhere. All over. So dirty.
Me: Wait until you find them in your ice cubes.


Mom: You should put the clothes for five minutes in dryer before hanging them to take out wrinkles.
Me: What a waste of time and energy.
Mom: But the jeans are wrinkled. People see that.
Me: Ask me if I care.
Mom: Oh, it is so easy to be you. You not care about anything.
Me: Sure is and sure don't.


Mom: You should not put your vcr on top of the tv like that. It will fall off.
Me: No it won�t.
Mom: It�s dangerous. What if it falls off?
Me: I hope it falls off...it�ll be great, maybe even funny!


Mom: Why you swear so much?
Me: [While on the phone with my brother] Yo muthafucka, mom sez she don�t like it when I fuckin be swearin n shit. What da hell up wif dat bullshit?
Mom: Ahhhh, so low class! I not raise a daughter to be like that!
Me: [Interrupting call to brother] Hey Mom, this is what happens when parents don�t let their kids swear. You don�t let them get it out of their system.  [Resuming call to brother] Now what fucking shit was I be telling you about, muthafucka?